Brooklyn accents, over-acting, and terrible CGI (Computer Generated Image). What do these things have in common? They are all heavily featured in “Season of the Witch.”
“Season of the Witch” stars Nicholas Cage and Ron Perlmen. The movie is about– what else? — witches.
Cage plays an exiled crusader who must transport a witch to an abbey so she can be killed. The film is full of plot holes and bad writing. For example, in one scene, a character says the witch reminds him of his daughter. Another character responds; “I’m sorry for your loss,” even though the other character never indicated his daughter was dead. Characters shout their lines and Cage sporadically emotes his.
Perlmen, on the other hand, seems to just be having fun with this horrible movie, acting completely out of the time period by sounding like a cynical New Yorker. Speaking of New York, Stephen Graham, who plays Hagamar, a swindler, speaks with a thick Brooklyn accent the entire time, even though the film takes place in 1395. This movie is schlock, pure and simple. If you are a connoisseur of bad movies, like myself, and you need some good laughs, you might actually want to see this. Otherwise, avoid at all costs.
“The Final Destination”
“Final Destination”…I mean “The Final Destination.”
That’s my first problem with this movie — you can’t simply change the name of a movie by adding “the” onto it. I called Blockbuster asking for “Final Destination,” wanting the newer movie, and I ended up getting the original.
“The Final Destination” is essentially a slasher movie, with death being the masked killer instead of Jason or Freddy.
Gory deaths. That’s all anyone who watched this film wanted to see, and somehow the movie screws that up, too. The deaths are mostly rehashes from earlier movies in the series, and the movie teases us, making the audience think that a character will get slaughtered in a cool and eccentric way, but instead gets hit with a car.
The other thing the movie had going for it was it was in 3D. That’s great if you saw it in 3D, but I didn’t, so there are a number of awkward shots where things are unnecessarily jutting towards the screen. You don’t need to see the future to tell that this movie stinks worse than a port-a- potty. Skip!
“The Expendables”
The Expendables stars Sylvester Stallone, (who, I swear, is starting to look more and more like Sloth from the “Goonies”), Jet Li, Jason Statham, and basically everyone else who has thrown a punch or blown up a car in a movie with in the last 20 years. I had high hopes for this, I really did, but it’s just bad. The characters are all one-note characters who are identifiable by their one and only personality trait.
There is no plot. Some guys are wearing suits — so they’re the bad guys — and so Stallone must kill them. Seriously, that’s the plot.
It’s unnecessarily gory and just comes off as excessive and stupid. The film is notable for being so bad it’s funny, but that’s about it. The much-hyped Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger scene lasts only two minutes and they just talk. What’s the point? There is no point in getting the three biggest action stars alive and simply having them talk. That’s like getting King Kong, Godzilla and Optimus Prime together and having them discuss the ethics and morality of communism — we want to see them fight! Its bad; its boring. Skip!